Author Archives: Wayland

Chocolate Threat

Fox News reports that Ebola is threatening the world’s chocolate supply. Okay, now you have my attention.

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The Prodigal Parrot

Reuters reports that a California parrot that vanished for four years has finally returned home speaking Spanish and asking for someone named Larry. The owner tried to find out where his parrot has been all this time, but unfortunately he does not speak Spanish.

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No Couch Potato

A new study may have identified the region of the brain that stops you from being a couch potato. The dorsal medial habenula is a tiny area of the brain which controls the motivation to exercise. It appears to be most active in the brains of spouses of habitual couch potatoes and may also be […]

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Vlad’s Pad

Archaeologists in Turkey believe they have found the dungeon which once held Vlad the Impaler, the real-life inspiration for Count Dracula. They did not not find any remains of the Count. However, they did find a few love letters to Vlad from Sookie Stackhouse, which included an invitation to spend Halloween in Bon Temps.

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More Curry Please

A new study has found that a compound in the curry spice turmeric boosts stem cell growth in rodent brains. This is unsettling news, as the report was not clear whether the study was conducted in a lab or a rat-infested Indian buffet.

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High Hopes for Clooney Nuptials

Yahoo News reports that George Clooney’s Lebanese father-in-law hails his daughter’s wedding to the Hollywood heartthrob as “very good news” for the Middle East. Skeptics aren’t so sure, citing past celebrity weddings that didn’t quite meet expectations. The marriage of Katy Perry and Russell Brand in 2010, for example, did absolutely nothing to jumpstart an […]

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Loaded Banana

A man armed with a banana stuffed in his pocket robbed a convenience store in Philadelphia and rode away on a bicycle with cash and cigarettes. Authorities say the suspect is still at large and should be considered dangerous. If encountered, you should contact the police immediately and resist the urge to ask him, “is […]

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Beer-tasting Cruise

A beer-tasting cruise around Lower Manhattan ended Saturday when the tour boat ran aground near the Statue of Liberty. No injuries were reported. However, the next morning 121 passengers and nine crew members were treated for a variety of mysterious symptoms which included severe headaches, muscle aches, nausea, vomiting, an increased sensitivity to light and […]

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Run Little Dog, Run!

A dog that went missing in Philadelphia five months ago was recently found safe in Oregon, 3,000 miles from home. The manager at the animal shelter in Oregon said, “It is an absolute mystery to everyone how little Gidget ended up here.” My question is, why did Gidget go to such great lengths to escape […]

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Saggy Pants Ocala

Ocala, Florida has reversed a ban on saggy pants that threatened jail time for styles intentionally exposing underwear or buttocks. Critics had complained the ban potentially violated constitutionally protected free speech. Lifting the ban now makes it legal once again to freely talk out of your ass in Ocala.

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