Monthly Archives: September 2014

High Hopes for Clooney Nuptials

Yahoo News reports that George Clooney’s Lebanese father-in-law hails his daughter’s wedding to the Hollywood heartthrob as “very good news” for the Middle East. Skeptics aren’t so sure, citing past celebrity weddings that didn’t quite meet expectations. The marriage of Katy Perry and Russell Brand in 2010, for example, did absolutely nothing to jumpstart an […]

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Loaded Banana

A man armed with a banana stuffed in his pocket robbed a convenience store in Philadelphia and rode away on a bicycle with cash and cigarettes. Authorities say the suspect is still at large and should be considered dangerous. If encountered, you should contact the police immediately and resist the urge to ask him, “is […]

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Beer-tasting Cruise

A beer-tasting cruise around Lower Manhattan ended Saturday when the tour boat ran aground near the Statue of Liberty. No injuries were reported. However, the next morning 121 passengers and nine crew members were treated for a variety of mysterious symptoms which included severe headaches, muscle aches, nausea, vomiting, an increased sensitivity to light and […]

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Run Little Dog, Run!

A dog that went missing in Philadelphia five months ago was recently found safe in Oregon, 3,000 miles from home. The manager at the animal shelter in Oregon said, “It is an absolute mystery to everyone how little Gidget ended up here.” My question is, why did Gidget go to such great lengths to escape […]

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Saggy Pants Ocala

Ocala, Florida has reversed a ban on saggy pants that threatened jail time for styles intentionally exposing underwear or buttocks. Critics had complained the ban potentially violated constitutionally protected free speech. Lifting the ban now makes it legal once again to freely talk out of your ass in Ocala.

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Bowling Balls and Principles of Physics

A private Quaker children’s camp in Burnsville, NC uses a huge pendulum wave made of wood and 16 bowling balls to teach principles of physics. According to bowling ball expert ‘The Dude’, “Given the nature of all this new shit, you know, I-I-I-I… this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, […]

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Benny Goodman vs Woody Herman

A 60-year-old Colorado woman was recently arrested for aiming a rifle at her neighbor’s 11-year-old son as he played his clarinet in the backyard. It appears the Benny Goodman vs Woody Herman debate has reached a fever pitch.

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Nudists Accused of Stealing Water

A nudist resort in California has been accused of stealing water during the state’s historic drought. No arrests have been made, even though rangers caught the nudists red…handed.

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